Emotional Triggers and How to Manage them Responsibly
If someone appears to us as irrational or negative, a responsible way to address the issue is to ask ourselves: “Who am I being that my friend acts irrationally or negatively around me?” Before we resort to throwing the responsibility of our perceived experiences onto others, we should consider looking at ourselves with a critical and honest gaze. Perhaps, we are doing something that triggers our friend to act this way around us. I am not suggesting a masochist, self-blaming practice, but an open-ended inquiry where we are willing to look at every possibility.
Another way to ask the question is: “Am I acting in a way that empowers my friend to be rational and positive? Or am I acting in a way that disempowers them to be those ways with me?” This is one approach, and I recommend it as the first one to reach out for.
Another (5D) way to deal with this issue is to make sure that we’re not projecting our own irrationality or negativity onto the friend. This approach also requires the deployment of honesty with oneself. From this end, we are entering the territory of “the shadow”, a term used in Jungian psychology to define those aspects of ourselves that are hidden from our conscious mind so that we are unaware of them. They live within our subconscious. When parts of us live within our subconscious, the way we recognize them is through other individuals. People often act as mirrors for us. They mirror our qualities and characteristics. When we recognize a particular way of being in someone, let’s say greed, or selfishness, it is because we embody that characteristic, otherwise we would not recognize it. Now, if that characteristic is hidden in our subconscious and isn’t embraced by us within our conscious mind, we get triggered by it. We react, get upset, get annoyed, and we become judgmental and unforgiving with people who embody that particular characteristic. What we often don’t realize is that we are upset at ourselves for embodying that characteristic.
Fortunately, those of us committed to personal development and growth, eventually become aware of our shadow selves and learn to embrace these less attractive parts of ourselves. As this happens, these characteristics start to lose their grip on us, such that when we see them embodied in other people and mirrored back to us, they no longer trigger and upset us.
This is called freedom.
For example, if you have an irrational way of being but are unaware of it, you will get very annoyed by people who act irrationally. But that’s because you have not become aware of your own irrationality, and embraced it as part of how you may be at times, and forgiven yourself for it. When you do, you will become more tolerant and forgiving of others’ irrationality. You will see irrationality in others, but your buttons won’t be pushed. They will no longer get under your skin and deplete you of your vital energy. You will simply witness them. To be a witness without getting sucked into something energetically is the meaning of true freedom.
If and when you become certain that the issue does not reside and begin with you, you can move on to creating boundaries for yourself around people who appear irrational or negative to you.
Boundaries are so valuable. So important. So helpful and so necessary!
We cannot always control whom we come into contact with. However, what we can control is how much we take or don’t take from people. A little courage will come handy here. Many people experience anxiety around saying NO. They worry about others’ reactions if they deny them their needs or requests, and are often willing to repress their own needs so as to not upset others. This strategy is bound the fail and causes us to become upset and resentful. What is important here is to recognize our needs and be willing to honor them. For example, if you need space from someone who seems to pour negativity onto you, but you repress this need, you will only cause yourself upset and resentment. Your resentment will be caused by your suppressed need for space and is not the other person’s fault. You must learn to draw boundaries when and where you see it necessary. If you need space from someone, you must first recognize that need, then be willing to communicate that need to your friend. This communication can open the door to a very rich conversation in which your communicating with honesty. What do you know? They may not be aware of their tendency. It might be a blind spot for them. In time, they may feel thankful that you made them aware of a tendency that wasn’t serving them, nor anyone else. I know from personal experience that I have a lot of respect for people who have shown me my blind spots in life, even if I didn’t like hearing it at first.
It can also be the case that your friend resists your feedback, gets offended, and walks away. If that happens, don’t worry too much. They will come around eventually, and if they don’t, well, you’ve been freed of their negativity! These are obviously examples of two extremes, and your friend may respond in a number of ways, ranging from great receptivity to complete resistance.
What’s important is that you’ve been in integrity with yourself by aligning your feelings with your thoughts, with your words, with your actions.
When we live in complete alignment with ourselves, we feel free, expanded, and strong. Although the thought of confrontation may seem very scary at first, it is worth going through the initial discomfort and become aligned. In short, it’s worth facing that mini-death.
So! There are many ways to resolve the issues we have with each other and honest communication is one of them, while suppressed communication eventually causes paranoid thoughts which spiral us down into a dark hole. I don’t mean to say that you will literally see yourself going down a dark hole, but your energy will feel heavy, preoccupied, lost, confused, upset or depressed. Even if not in an extreme way, suppressed communication causes us to carry at least an undertone of these emotions, preventing us from feeling open, alive, and present.
To practice boundaries, first become aware of your needs, then muster the courage to communicate them to those around you. Try a little every day. Take baby steps. Learning to create boundaries is a lifelong practice. Do your best to enjoy the journey.
